Athena – New York, USA
Ever since I was young, I could always remember myself feeling more inclined towards the same-sex. I can’t pinpoint at what age I remember it started but I feel like it was either at 7,8, or 9 years old. At first, I didn’t believe that I was attracted to the same-sex. I tried to deny and at times I believed that I was a normal kid like any other. But, eventually, I had to accept that I was attracted to the same-sex. Then, once I had accepted that I was attracted to the same gender, I tried to do whatever I could to take it off my mind. I would busy myself as much as I could because every minute spent not doing something was another minute that it would come back and I would experience the pain all over again. But when the thoughts would come I just did whatever I could to distance myself from it. At times I wondered if this attraction was a punishment of Allah swt’s, if he was mad at me because of a sin that I committed in my childhood. Seventh and eighth grade was by far one of the worst times if not the worst time in my life. I had a lot of family problems at the time I was dealing with, I had an extremely unhealthy relationship with my best friend to whom I had started to become attracted, I just wanted to die. Alhamdulillah, I was able to get through that time. However, ninth grade wasn’t that easy either. In ninth grade, all the girls around me in my swimming class either supported or were part of the lgbtq+ community, and every time they would talk about supporting lgbtq+ people and their identity I would feel extremely conflicted as I always remembered the story my Quran teacher from my childhood told me about, the story of Lut as and his people and what happened to them. And then came COVID. When COVID came, I tried to learn a bit more about the community and this whole idea of being a bisexual but I realized that this wasn’t the right thing to do. I started to focus more on my deen and my relationship with Allah swt and I was getting better. Then came tenth grade, in the beginning of it, I was doing great, the attractions were very minimal and I was working hard in school and learning more about my deen. But, then my grandmother had a stroke, as a result of this, I had to go online. When I went online, I started to lose myself. I became distant from Allah swt, I stopped caring about school, and the attractions were becoming extremely difficult to control. And then a miracle happened. I found a person online who was dealing with people who experienced SSA, and one thing led to another, I received counselling from that person, and now I am no longer in misery.
What sort of things helped you in your journey and through your struggle?
The only thing that helped me in my journey was my deen. If I did not believe in Allah swt and his messenger sallahu alayhi wasalam I do not know where I would be today.
What things did not help you in your journey?
Fear of family. At times, I wondered what my parents would think of me if they knew the truth and one time in particular when I was spending time with my dad and we were both having a good time, I remember thinking how his mood would completely change if he just knew this one thing about me. Being scared of my parent’s reaction to my SSA kept me from telling them about it which gave me less support further making it difficult for me to deal with it on my own.
2 Responses
What advice did that one person give you, in order for you to feel better? Is your SSA still present, in a big or small way?
It was not one singular piece of advice that the person gave me that made me feel better. I met with said person on a number of occasions over zoom and that person counseled me, and provided with more resources so that I could better understand my SSA and the literature that there was on it. The more I. met with the counselor, the more I realized that my own thoughts regarding SSA was true, and I began to form a better understanding of my SSA. The biggest thing that I would say though when it comes to dealing with SSA is that you should not let it become your identity, do not let it become the center of attention. Even when you feel like you can’t handle the test, cry out to Allah (swt) and he will help you. That is the most important thing. One mistake I made in the process of better trying to understand my SSA was that I became so obsessed with gaining all the knowledge that there possibly was about SSA, that I completely forgot about the fact that maintaining and strengthening my relationship with Allah swt was what helped me when I was at my lowest. So while I definitely do recommend reading any books that you can find on SSA, be careful of what you read, and don’t just accept anything blindly. Question, investigate, and try to understand. But most importantly, focus on Allah (swt) first. As for the current state of my SSA, Alhamdullilah I haven’t experienced SSA for a long time now (maybe a few weeks now). I’ve been experiencing a lot of OSA nowadays which I’m finding hard to control, but it is what it is. My SSA tends to come in waves. Most of the time I don’t experience it, but when I do, it’s very intense, and it’s hard to deal with. Anyways, hope that answered your question.